Boob Tube? A Breast Enhancement Cream Critique

     I was perusing the Cyber Monday (ahem, Wednesday) deals on Ebay and ran across this charming little product: Ricco Di Natura Marshmarose Bust Cream.

     The description was so weird, but I think it is because it was being translated from a different language (using google translate from the looks of it), but wow: "If you want to have firming and soft breasts, just a Marshmarose Bust Cream will be readily available." First of all, not sure why you would name a product Marshmarose- it makes me think of marshmallows, which are, I will allow on second thought, appropriate, as breasts are just useless, but soft, balls of fat.  Secondly, how can breast be firmed and softened at the same time? Now I just have contradictory titties.
     If I wasn't concerned by the product name and the opening sentences, allowing my breasts to "emit enchanting rose aroma, intoxicating perfect breasts" is more than disturbing. Does this mean I am making my boobies drunk or that someone drunk will be attracted to my newly enhanced bust? Also, rose scent is usually associated with girlishness, so what kind of person am I enchanting with this scent- a man or woman? This brings me back to the idea that I am attracting myself more to my lovely lady lumps more than attracting any suitor by using this cream.
     However, the extracts in the cream do come from "Wild Yam which to enhance the breasts become soft and flexible." This sentence is all sorts of messed up grammatically, though I am not sure I want to bother trying to fix it. I do love that they use a "wild" variety of yam though- those tame grocery store yams just won't live up to my expectations in the boobage department. This product also uses "Hyaluronic Acid to bring the moisturize to the breasts" (not really sure how acid would act as a moisturizer...? As a softener, yes, if you want to burn your flesh off), "Placenta and Vitamin C" which "let the breasts becomes beautiful and shiny." Yes, what I have longed for my entire life! Shiny ta-tas! And using the placenta from other people and/or animal's babies as something I rub into my flesh!
     After all, if all goes according to plan, it will only "increase the charm" of my decolletage. Perhaps I should buy some for every woman that I know? After all, it is only $29.90 -today only! So really, I would only be paying $30 for bad grammar and a slap in the face from any woman I buy this for. I think that's pretty worth it, don't you?

Chad's MASH

     Chad was a lucky young buck who was born into a family of poor unicorn hunters. His single roller skate allowed him to hunt a single horned creature. He visited his friend Courtney in Moore, OK to find out that the Eiffel Tower was a beautiful princess trapped in a metal tower. If he only collected enough unicorn horns, he could set her free. So he set out on his guest with a pet trible to aid him. He collected 21 horns and went to the back of a Parisian restaurant - putting the horns and himself into a trash compactor overlooking the tower. He said the magic works Courtney had told him - "none of that wooOOoooO stuff here - sexy mojo monkey brains- pow!" She was so beautiful, and naked, that they immediately consummate their love right then and there in the trash compactor.

The End.

M A S H

Wife                                                                              Location of Living                  
Lady Gaga                                                                    Titan
LSP                                                                               Sewer
Eiffel Tower                                                                  Moore, OK
Wonder Woman                                                            Behind Dumpster

Job                                                                                 Pet                                           
Engineer                                                                        trible
unicorn hunter                                                               headless doll
unemployed                                                                   parrot
gigolo                                                                             log


Vehicle                                                                           Kids                                         
enterprise                                                                       45
dumptruck                                                                      3 1/2
segway                                                                           0
single roller skate                                                           2


Unstoppable Addiction                                                 Honeymoon                                         
awesomeness                                                                 Alaska
porn                                                                                toxic waste

smelling other's feet                                                       trash compactor
speaking with Golum voice                                           Disney
   

Jeff's MASH

     I fell in love with Sarah Jessica Parker while I was washing dishes at a 5-star restaurant. She immediately bought me a hover car to woo me, but I was content with my pet stump. We moved to Scotland because Americans were scared that we had more than 2 kids - S.J.P. loves having babies (27! And still such a great body!)  SJP is such a horror movie junkie that we had a romantic horror-inspired wedding and honeymon at the local slaughterhouse to please her obsession. My stump was the only one in attendance.

M A S H

Wife                                                                              Location of Living                  
Courtney                                                                       Scotland
Sarah Palin                                                                   NYC
Sarah J. Parker                                                             Kate's Backyard in a tent
Hitler                                                                            dumpster

Job                                                                                  Pet                                          
Walt Disney                                                                   monkey butler
Dishwasher                                                                    giraffe
butler                                                                             beta fish
writer                                                                             stump


Vehicle                                                                           Kids                                         
hovercar                                                                         3
skateboard                                                                      27
grocery cart                                                                    0
none                                                                               1/2


Honeymoon 
Disney                                                                            

sewage plant                                                                    
slaughter house                                                                    

Soviet Russia                           

                                    

Courtney's MASH

     Courtney was a very sexually active young dame. Really, her habit was unstoppable. But she was very creative (in the bedroom) and turned her habit into a profession. She became a professional prostitute and soon caught the eye of world leader Hitler. He was visiting Moore, OK after taking over USA in 2005. They had a honeymoon before any wedding took place...if you catch my drift. They liked to dress up as Xmen adn "play" - she was always Mystiquw so that she could change outfits to suit his ever changing needs. She drove a Mustang to work- Hitler was generous - but she had to keep a sock puppet by her bedside to lull Hitler to sleep at night.

M A S H

Husband                                                                         Comic Con Costume             
Jeff                                                                                 awesome
Abe Lincoln                                                                   sheer/lacy
Jerry O'Connell                                                              none
Hitler                                                                             steampunk corset

Job                                                                                  Pet                                          
Film critic                                                                      cougar
makeup tester                                                                mustang
juggler                                                                           100 cats
prostitute                                                                       sock puppet


Vehicle                                                                           Kids                                         
mustang                                                                         2
dinosaur                                                                         7
delorian                                                                         3
bike                                                                               1/3


Honeymoon                                                                   Unstoppable Habit                    
Italy                                                                               popping knuckles
Moon                                                                             sex fiend
Atlantis                                                                          bitchy dominatrix
Moore, OK                                                                    gum chewer

Kate's MASH

     While we were bored at a conference, Cujo and I decided to play a game of MASH. A throwback to our middle school years together, perhaps, but still a fun game of future imaginings now that we are all "growed up." If you haven't heard of MASH before, it is a mix of cootie-catcher and mad libs with your life; there are different categories and each one gets 4 choices. Then the randomizer goes through and picks out what your life will look like. As we got more and more bored, the MASH futures got more and more interesting (mine was the first and therefore not very interesting.)

Interestingly enough, these games prompted quite excellent stories, so feel free to use this method as a way to concoct new stories.

M A S H

Husband                                                                         Comic Con Costume             
Channing Tatum                                                             Wonder Woman     
Matt                                                                                 Leia
Obama                                                                             Warrior Xena
Tim                                                                                  Nudist

Job                                                                                  Pet                                          
Ice Dancer                                                                      monkey
Goat Herd                                                                      dinosaur
Coal Shoveler                                                                skunk
Poop collector                                                                tomato


Car                                                                                 Kids                                         
smart                                                                              15
wagon                                                                             0
flying                                                                              1
rollerskating                                                                   3


Honeymoon 
Mars                                                                
Pasture                                                                
Cruise                                                                
Dumpster                                                                


     Once she met Channing Tatum, she moved into his mansion and gave up shoveling coal for a living. He bought her a smart car (because of all the guilt she had over shoveling coal for the last several years of her life.) They went on a cruise for their honeymoon, but no babies were made during that lovely time (thanks condoms!) Filled the lonliness left by not having kids by cloning a dinosaur from a DNA strand she found while shoveling coal. She and the dinosaur would roam around the town, she dressed up as Xena. They were a much loved installment in the local parade scene of the town.

All anyone's talking about is HP

       The childhood series that we grew up with is "over." And while I wasn't such a big fan of books 5, 6, and 7 upon reading them the first time, I have to say the characters still grew on me until they died on me in the last book. 
       Courtney and I, of course, went to the midnight showing of the last release for Harry Potter! Our friends waited in line all night for tickets -Check out a terrible photo of our "campsite" here! - only to find out that people could buy them online as well and so the balcony sold out in 45 seconds. Luckily, our parties still got seats, but not together, which sucked. Somehow, Court, her bf, and I all managed to get some of the best seats in the house - front and center balcony!!!!!!
       I was working on my brother's t-shirt quilt (a gift that he has been waiting patiently for almost 2 years to receive, oops) when I get a call from my loverly friend telling me to get my butt over to our mutual friends house because it is already 10pm and arriving at the theater less than 2 hours before is almost sacrilegious. I was planning on rolling up around 11:30, but whatever. So, quick as a bunny, I ran to my closet, grabbed my graduation gown, a doc. hood (I got it for $1 at a college surplus sale) and my brother's tie-snake and jumped in my car as "Voldemarta!"
       After scaring the crap out of my friend who answered the door, we headed for the theater. Being in the balcony for the first time was pretty awesome (huge warmed seats, waitstaff, and a great view was worth the exorbitant price for this particular show). It is the last HP, after all! Talking and catching up with friends before the movie was great and the two pre-show performances were weird, as usual (starwars and harry potter battle -WTF?!- and an Okie "magic" act.) 
      If you missed the first 7 movies (1-6 and 7 part 1), here is a good recap in 7 minutes- best part are the "we have no idea" moments:

       The movie was WONDERFUL! It wasn't like the book at all - I just reread the second half of 7 about 3 days ago - but it was a great movie. Full of wonderful memorable moments, epic wand duels, saddening deaths, and a showdown between HP and Voldemort. If you go with a hazy memory of the books, you will be left happy for sure. For me, some plot elements were lacking a bit, but the screenplay did a good job to gloss/rearrange certain elements. And visually,  it was excellent- dark, saturated with color, and special effects. This was set to an interesting, well-thought out soundtrack (according to Courtney). You should definitely check it out while it is in theaters!
        Though nostalgic that this chapter in our lives has ended, it was about time. My generation is about to start our journey on to a new chapter, grad. school or careers and that, to me, is just as scary as Lord Voldemort. We still have so much to look forward to as a people and I'm sure the next big book is out there, waiting to strike love into the hearts and minds of a generation of people. And I kinda hope it is me and Court who write it...... ; )

A children's classic, retold

A Chat with Kelcie.

YouTube!

We are finally getting our act together and will be blogging soon.

In the meantime here is our brand spanking new YouTube Channel (With nothing on it either, yet).

http://www.youtube.com/user/CookingWithDSS

UNDER DESTRUCTION

Er. construction. soon to be smutty.

COMING SUMMER 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET READY FOR THE THUNDER......