Boob Tube? A Breast Enhancement Cream Critique

     I was perusing the Cyber Monday (ahem, Wednesday) deals on Ebay and ran across this charming little product: Ricco Di Natura Marshmarose Bust Cream.

     The description was so weird, but I think it is because it was being translated from a different language (using google translate from the looks of it), but wow: "If you want to have firming and soft breasts, just a Marshmarose Bust Cream will be readily available." First of all, not sure why you would name a product Marshmarose- it makes me think of marshmallows, which are, I will allow on second thought, appropriate, as breasts are just useless, but soft, balls of fat.  Secondly, how can breast be firmed and softened at the same time? Now I just have contradictory titties.
     If I wasn't concerned by the product name and the opening sentences, allowing my breasts to "emit enchanting rose aroma, intoxicating perfect breasts" is more than disturbing. Does this mean I am making my boobies drunk or that someone drunk will be attracted to my newly enhanced bust? Also, rose scent is usually associated with girlishness, so what kind of person am I enchanting with this scent- a man or woman? This brings me back to the idea that I am attracting myself more to my lovely lady lumps more than attracting any suitor by using this cream.
     However, the extracts in the cream do come from "Wild Yam which to enhance the breasts become soft and flexible." This sentence is all sorts of messed up grammatically, though I am not sure I want to bother trying to fix it. I do love that they use a "wild" variety of yam though- those tame grocery store yams just won't live up to my expectations in the boobage department. This product also uses "Hyaluronic Acid to bring the moisturize to the breasts" (not really sure how acid would act as a moisturizer...? As a softener, yes, if you want to burn your flesh off), "Placenta and Vitamin C" which "let the breasts becomes beautiful and shiny." Yes, what I have longed for my entire life! Shiny ta-tas! And using the placenta from other people and/or animal's babies as something I rub into my flesh!
     After all, if all goes according to plan, it will only "increase the charm" of my decolletage. Perhaps I should buy some for every woman that I know? After all, it is only $29.90 -today only! So really, I would only be paying $30 for bad grammar and a slap in the face from any woman I buy this for. I think that's pretty worth it, don't you?

Swim Practice

I said, “Kiss me” after swim practice

and he did, my pruned nipples dissolving,

pulled back into warm, taught flesh

as he sucked them. Me, moaning softly

for release, the scent of chlorine mingling

with that of new sweat and dampness,

my chilled skin craving his warmth

even as his skin squelched against mine.

his swim trunks, tangled in a heap

around his ankles, my top refusing

to obey even as he pulled.

The knots only tightening;

clothing rejecting the hunger of humanity.

What Ever Happened to Goodbye- Dessen

McLean, Dessen's main character in What Ever Happened to Goodbye, is at odds with her self.  After many years spent in a blissful state of normal, McLean must grow up too fast. Her father was the workaholic owner and chef of a restaurant in their hometown.When the restaurant fails, so too does their marriage. McLean's mom has an affair with the local university basketball coach and a high-profile divorce between McLean's parents takes place, shortly followed by a wedding and two new step-siblings for McLean. However, all this messy back story is already out of the way by the time you meet McLean.
      She has sided with her father, moving from place to place with him as he does restaurant consulting, both of them trying to outrun their fear of commitment. McLean begins each move with a new persona, and at times it seems as if she has multiple personality disorder. Though she is fairly upfront about being a personality chameleon with her new friends, they don't quite seem to get it until the end of the book. The only problem is that now McLean hasn't been putting on a new character for this town- she has been being herself (as much as she can remember how, anyway) and they don't know that.
      Of course, there is a guy, but the storyline never works exactly as you think it will. McLean fears attachment and Dave is frustrating as he both pushes and understands her limitations. However, this book seems to be more about loss of oneself more than any fairytale love story. McLean's father loses himself in his work, starting relationships only when he knows he will soon be moving on. McLean's mother is not the same as McLean remembers her either, shedding her hippy self and going back to the high-class roots she was born with. And McLean is in the middle, torn apart by her parents divorce, as she tries to come to terms with who she is as an adult.
      In all, this book was not what I expected (a romance for a desperate girl) and I was surprised both at how long it took McLean to break as well as how incredibly, unbelievably unknowing both her parents were about her life. Her father is basically absent, leaving her to set up the house, etc. while he is a workaholic. Her mother is completely childish, not understanding why McLean would be upset with her while at the same time throwing her money around to try and force McLean back into living with her. Her parents are definitely unbelievable characters, but the rest of the people in the book live up to semi-realistic expectations.
      And I loved Deb- for being so out there, while appearing so ordinary; for striving so hard to make friends; for having such a different background from what you expect of her. Deb's story seems like it would be an interesting one for Dessen to tell next.

Blue Bloods Series by Melissa de la Cruz

     Yes, it is another vampire series set in a prep school setting. Melissa de la Crux spends more time trying to assure you of her extensive knowledge of NYC fashion, cuisine, and hot spots than on developing her characters. Most of the main characters are so boring and self absorbed that I couldn't bring myself to care if any of them died in the later books, even though their deaths would allow Lucifer access to Earth.

     The relationship between Schyluer and her mother is as unrealistic as her attraction to Jack Force, a character with a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality who struggles against an dutiful- and eternal- bonding with his vampire twin Mimi.  Mimi for her part is by turns highly concerned with following vampire rules and order (at least when it comes to her brother) only to easily break other rules (abusing red bloods aka humans). As with most of the other story elements, coherency and continuity don't appear to be in this author's writing arsenal.

     Bliss' storyline follows in this same vein, going from chaotic blackouts in one book to visions of hell in another then straight to 'talking' with Lucifer (who is also her father who is using her as his living host; Oh and Allegra is her mother, which means Schyluer is her sister, but we don't bother to talk about that family history because it is complicated - cop out much?)

   Unfortunately for everyone in these books, the only person who seems to give a shit about what is happening is Schyluer. She has a new vampire soul with no access to any of the past lives that the rest of the vampire world can sense when they come of age (though they don't seem to use this ability with any degree of effectiveness- after all why bother learning anything after living so many lives.)  And perhaps most unfortunately for the reader, Oliver, the only human character, seems to have less and less face time as these books go on even though his back story is more interesting than any of the vampires who have more than 2000 years of history behind them.

      All that being said, I read all of these books one after another, consuming them as quickly as Mimi goes through human familiars. There was something compelling about the first book, but the more I read, the more I felt let down by the lack of story progression or character development. I was disgusted by the lack of resolution at the end of the 4th book, though I'm sure I will still end up reading the 5th book despite myself.

Bloodhound- Tamora Pierce

     Bloodhound, Tamora Pierce's second novel to cover the adventures of Bekkah Cooper, is a beast of a book. Weighing in at over 500 pages, it is a bit daunting to start off. However, Pierce's writing, as always, sucks me into the world of the underbelly of the city of Corus. This time around, Bekkah is a first year dog, having trouble keeping a partner since her "terrier" reputation precedes her. After her current partner ditches her, she is placed back with her old partners Tunstall and Goodwin for another go round. All is not well in Tortall as someone is flooding the economy with counterfeit money, known as "coles." As Bekkah starts to get the scent of this new case, she acquires a happy hound named Achoo as her companion.

     Her mysterious cat Pounce begins to act even more mysteriously, telling Beckkah she must learn to look out for herself instead of relying on him before he leaves to convene with the other constellations in the sky. The magical elements in the book are written in such a way that it sounds normal for her cat to be communing with the stars. However, some of the abilities that Bekkah has seem a little at odds with the rest of human society, even the magical ones (she talks with ghosts who ride on pigeons and hears conversations from the city's whirlwinds). She isn't a mage, but she isn't quite normal either. 

     This otherness about her usually works to Bekkah's favor as she solves cases, but it seems a tad wrongly written that she (and her friends) boast so much of them. In the first book, her unique abilites were kept much more under wraps in case they were used against her. After all, it is to her favor that people don't know that she can spy on them or keep tabs on who was killed how. And indeed, her confidence in catching criminals is often her undoing in this book. However, her trusty companions make sure she doesn't get herself killed. Achoo is particularly helpful as a mix between a scent hound and a watchdog, helping her solve cases when magical abilities alone can't get the job done.

    Of course, I couldn't put the book down during the final showdown between the colemongers (aka counterfieiters) and Bekkah's team, reading until my eyes crossed. And that devotion to keep reading, above all else, is my best recommendation for this book.

It's book review time: Joy Luck Club- Amy Tan

    Weaving narrative and plot, Amy Tan’s book The Joy Luck Club explores the relationship between mothers and daughters. Beginning with the experiences of the Chinese mothers, the reader is taken on a journey through these women’s lives, from their upbringing in China to the hardships they faced during their young adult lives and circumstances that ultimately led them America. Now living in San Francisco with grown children, the plot turns to the adult daughters who understand little of their mothers’ rich history.

    The daughters of these women are unable to perceive their Chinese heritage because they are “Americanized” culturally. However, their mothers’ still wrongly believe that their daughters intuitively understand them because of the “inner” Chinese thought process they were born with. It is only at the end of most of the mother’s lives that they realize the confusion their daughters have about the way that they live.  This disheartening thought encourages the mothers’ to start sharing their experiences more openly with their daughters. Amy Tan is especially good at pointing out that although these women were raised in very different settings, the daughters are ultimately living their lives in an echo of their mother’s struggles.

Chad's MASH

     Chad was a lucky young buck who was born into a family of poor unicorn hunters. His single roller skate allowed him to hunt a single horned creature. He visited his friend Courtney in Moore, OK to find out that the Eiffel Tower was a beautiful princess trapped in a metal tower. If he only collected enough unicorn horns, he could set her free. So he set out on his guest with a pet trible to aid him. He collected 21 horns and went to the back of a Parisian restaurant - putting the horns and himself into a trash compactor overlooking the tower. He said the magic works Courtney had told him - "none of that wooOOoooO stuff here - sexy mojo monkey brains- pow!" She was so beautiful, and naked, that they immediately consummate their love right then and there in the trash compactor.

The End.

M A S H

Wife                                                                              Location of Living                  
Lady Gaga                                                                    Titan
LSP                                                                               Sewer
Eiffel Tower                                                                  Moore, OK
Wonder Woman                                                            Behind Dumpster

Job                                                                                 Pet                                           
Engineer                                                                        trible
unicorn hunter                                                               headless doll
unemployed                                                                   parrot
gigolo                                                                             log


Vehicle                                                                           Kids                                         
enterprise                                                                       45
dumptruck                                                                      3 1/2
segway                                                                           0
single roller skate                                                           2


Unstoppable Addiction                                                 Honeymoon                                         
awesomeness                                                                 Alaska
porn                                                                                toxic waste

smelling other's feet                                                       trash compactor
speaking with Golum voice                                           Disney
   

Jeff's MASH

     I fell in love with Sarah Jessica Parker while I was washing dishes at a 5-star restaurant. She immediately bought me a hover car to woo me, but I was content with my pet stump. We moved to Scotland because Americans were scared that we had more than 2 kids - S.J.P. loves having babies (27! And still such a great body!)  SJP is such a horror movie junkie that we had a romantic horror-inspired wedding and honeymon at the local slaughterhouse to please her obsession. My stump was the only one in attendance.

M A S H

Wife                                                                              Location of Living                  
Courtney                                                                       Scotland
Sarah Palin                                                                   NYC
Sarah J. Parker                                                             Kate's Backyard in a tent
Hitler                                                                            dumpster

Job                                                                                  Pet                                          
Walt Disney                                                                   monkey butler
Dishwasher                                                                    giraffe
butler                                                                             beta fish
writer                                                                             stump


Vehicle                                                                           Kids                                         
hovercar                                                                         3
skateboard                                                                      27
grocery cart                                                                    0
none                                                                               1/2


Honeymoon 
Disney                                                                            

sewage plant                                                                    
slaughter house                                                                    

Soviet Russia                           

                                    

Courtney's MASH

     Courtney was a very sexually active young dame. Really, her habit was unstoppable. But she was very creative (in the bedroom) and turned her habit into a profession. She became a professional prostitute and soon caught the eye of world leader Hitler. He was visiting Moore, OK after taking over USA in 2005. They had a honeymoon before any wedding took place...if you catch my drift. They liked to dress up as Xmen adn "play" - she was always Mystiquw so that she could change outfits to suit his ever changing needs. She drove a Mustang to work- Hitler was generous - but she had to keep a sock puppet by her bedside to lull Hitler to sleep at night.

M A S H

Husband                                                                         Comic Con Costume             
Jeff                                                                                 awesome
Abe Lincoln                                                                   sheer/lacy
Jerry O'Connell                                                              none
Hitler                                                                             steampunk corset

Job                                                                                  Pet                                          
Film critic                                                                      cougar
makeup tester                                                                mustang
juggler                                                                           100 cats
prostitute                                                                       sock puppet


Vehicle                                                                           Kids                                         
mustang                                                                         2
dinosaur                                                                         7
delorian                                                                         3
bike                                                                               1/3


Honeymoon                                                                   Unstoppable Habit                    
Italy                                                                               popping knuckles
Moon                                                                             sex fiend
Atlantis                                                                          bitchy dominatrix
Moore, OK                                                                    gum chewer

Kate's MASH

     While we were bored at a conference, Cujo and I decided to play a game of MASH. A throwback to our middle school years together, perhaps, but still a fun game of future imaginings now that we are all "growed up." If you haven't heard of MASH before, it is a mix of cootie-catcher and mad libs with your life; there are different categories and each one gets 4 choices. Then the randomizer goes through and picks out what your life will look like. As we got more and more bored, the MASH futures got more and more interesting (mine was the first and therefore not very interesting.)

Interestingly enough, these games prompted quite excellent stories, so feel free to use this method as a way to concoct new stories.

M A S H

Husband                                                                         Comic Con Costume             
Channing Tatum                                                             Wonder Woman     
Matt                                                                                 Leia
Obama                                                                             Warrior Xena
Tim                                                                                  Nudist

Job                                                                                  Pet                                          
Ice Dancer                                                                      monkey
Goat Herd                                                                      dinosaur
Coal Shoveler                                                                skunk
Poop collector                                                                tomato


Car                                                                                 Kids                                         
smart                                                                              15
wagon                                                                             0
flying                                                                              1
rollerskating                                                                   3


Honeymoon 
Mars                                                                
Pasture                                                                
Cruise                                                                
Dumpster                                                                


     Once she met Channing Tatum, she moved into his mansion and gave up shoveling coal for a living. He bought her a smart car (because of all the guilt she had over shoveling coal for the last several years of her life.) They went on a cruise for their honeymoon, but no babies were made during that lovely time (thanks condoms!) Filled the lonliness left by not having kids by cloning a dinosaur from a DNA strand she found while shoveling coal. She and the dinosaur would roam around the town, she dressed up as Xena. They were a much loved installment in the local parade scene of the town.

A Tale of Two Kitties

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. (Oh, how life is depends on which cat you ask.)

For Nelly, life felt the fullest; it was the most human-loved experience of all her times. Cuddling up with a human inside a home was a new concept. Being protected from starvation and scavenging, a daily marvel. Sure, she missed the excitement and adrenaline rush that came from being outside, but stability and warmth was so much more important.

But for Crystal, having to share her home again for the first time in years was miserable. As soon as the little upstart got smuggled in from Houston, things went downhill at home. She looked at HER humans, sniffed HER food bowl, and even went potty in HER box. What was wrong with this world?!?!

Vampire Assasin, part 1

Back-story

            Being turned was slightly anticlimactic. I met her at a party, where I was drunk as a skunk. She had an easy time persuading me to leave my friends and find somewhere more private. We made out until I realized how sharp her teeth were- the inside of my mouth was bloody and raw. I pulled back in disgust, thinking it was my fault and she must be horrified, but then I saw her eyes. Black, instead of the light green they were only moments before. 

            An unintentional shudder ran through my body, but she only smiled and said, “Now where were we?” She looked into my eyes and I forgot to be scared as she lowered her mouth to my neck. The bite was like nothing I’d ever felt before, like white hot pain mixed with cotton candy; like when you eat curry that is so hot your eyes water and your tongue burns, but you keep eating because it tastes delicious. Embarrassingly, I think I might have moaned a bit near the end.

            I literally saw stars right before I passed out: Canis Major, Orion’s belt, and my favorite the Big Dipper. “Sweet dreams” were the last words I heard her say before I fell entirely into the night sky of unconsciousness.