Boob Tube? A Breast Enhancement Cream Critique

     I was perusing the Cyber Monday (ahem, Wednesday) deals on Ebay and ran across this charming little product: Ricco Di Natura Marshmarose Bust Cream.

     The description was so weird, but I think it is because it was being translated from a different language (using google translate from the looks of it), but wow: "If you want to have firming and soft breasts, just a Marshmarose Bust Cream will be readily available." First of all, not sure why you would name a product Marshmarose- it makes me think of marshmallows, which are, I will allow on second thought, appropriate, as breasts are just useless, but soft, balls of fat.  Secondly, how can breast be firmed and softened at the same time? Now I just have contradictory titties.
     If I wasn't concerned by the product name and the opening sentences, allowing my breasts to "emit enchanting rose aroma, intoxicating perfect breasts" is more than disturbing. Does this mean I am making my boobies drunk or that someone drunk will be attracted to my newly enhanced bust? Also, rose scent is usually associated with girlishness, so what kind of person am I enchanting with this scent- a man or woman? This brings me back to the idea that I am attracting myself more to my lovely lady lumps more than attracting any suitor by using this cream.
     However, the extracts in the cream do come from "Wild Yam which to enhance the breasts become soft and flexible." This sentence is all sorts of messed up grammatically, though I am not sure I want to bother trying to fix it. I do love that they use a "wild" variety of yam though- those tame grocery store yams just won't live up to my expectations in the boobage department. This product also uses "Hyaluronic Acid to bring the moisturize to the breasts" (not really sure how acid would act as a moisturizer...? As a softener, yes, if you want to burn your flesh off), "Placenta and Vitamin C" which "let the breasts becomes beautiful and shiny." Yes, what I have longed for my entire life! Shiny ta-tas! And using the placenta from other people and/or animal's babies as something I rub into my flesh!
     After all, if all goes according to plan, it will only "increase the charm" of my decolletage. Perhaps I should buy some for every woman that I know? After all, it is only $29.90 -today only! So really, I would only be paying $30 for bad grammar and a slap in the face from any woman I buy this for. I think that's pretty worth it, don't you?

Swim Practice

I said, “Kiss me” after swim practice

and he did, my pruned nipples dissolving,

pulled back into warm, taught flesh

as he sucked them. Me, moaning softly

for release, the scent of chlorine mingling

with that of new sweat and dampness,

my chilled skin craving his warmth

even as his skin squelched against mine.

his swim trunks, tangled in a heap

around his ankles, my top refusing

to obey even as he pulled.

The knots only tightening;

clothing rejecting the hunger of humanity.